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FUMBLING MY WAY…

I’M STANDING IN FRONT OF MY SEMI- NEW HIGH SCHOOL HAVING AN ARGUMENT/ CONVERSATION WITH SOME CHICK I DON’T EVEN KNOW. I MEAN I “KNOW” HER (SHE’S IN MY P.E. CLASS) I JUST DON’T KNOW HER. IF YOU GET MY DRIFT. THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME WE HAVE HAD THIS CONVERSATION AND FROM THE LOOK ON HER FACE I DON’T THINK IT WILL BE OUR LAST. “WHY YOU STANDIN’ OVER HERE?” “I’M WAITING FOR MY BUS.” “WHAT BUS?” “THE #3 BUS”! “WHY? “WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHY…CUZ IT’S THE BUS THAT GOES TO WHERE I LIVE”. “YEAH BUT THAT BUS GOES TO THE PROJECTS.” “YEAH THAT’S WHERE I LIVE”!! “HARUMPH… WHATEVER”. SHE LOOKS ME UP AND DOWN TAKING IN MY CUTE FUNKY LOOK. MY HAIR HAS SOME SORT OF FLIP (A NIGHT IN HARD ROLLERS) AND MY JEANS HAVE THE RIGHT CUT EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE “NO NAMES”. SHE DOESN’T KNOW I HAD SAVED FOR 6 MONTHS AT MY AFTER SCHOOL JOB. THAT I HAD SEARCHED HI AND LOW FOR JUST THE RIGHT KNOCK OFFS. OR THAT I WAS AFRAID UNTIL RIGHT NOW THAT I WOULD BE FOUND OUT. FAKE FAKE FAKE!

I KEEP MY EYES LEVEL TO HERS AND IN THEM IS NEITHER PLEADING NOR PISSED. HARUMPH SHE SAYS AGAIN OR AT LEAST THAT’S THE CLOSEST I CAN COME TO RELAYING THE SOUND. IT’S ACCOMPANIED BY A CLOSED MOUTH AND LIPS THAT CURL UP AND HANG OUT FOR AWHILE ON ONE SIDE OF THE FACE WHILE THE EYES ROLL TO THE BACK…CUZ WELL THEY ARE JUST PLAIN OLE TIRED OF LOOKING AT WHATEVER PITIFUL THING THEY ARE LOOKING AT. NOW THE FIRST TIME I SAW THIS SEQUENCE OF MOVEMENTS I WAS IMPRESSED AND MESMERIZED. THEN I REALIZED THAT IT’S JUST THE NORM OF ALL PERPETUALLY PISSED INNER CITY TEENS. FINALLY SHE DECIDES I MUST NOT BE READY TO CHANGE MY STORY AND WITH THAT SHE LOPES OFF TO REJOIN HER GROUP. THEY WELCOME HER BACK AND ALL TURN THEIR BACKS ON ME AS THEY HOLD CONFERENCE ON WHAT “I SAID, AND THEN WHAT SHE SAID”.

UGH.

THIS CONVERSATION IS NOT NEW IT’S LIKE HUNDREDS I’VE HAD PRIOR AND SINCE AND IT IS ALL BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE SPONSORS

“WHO THE HELL ARE YOU”??

WHICH TO A ADOLESCENT IS EVERYTHING!! ARE YOU A NARK, A SHARK A TEACHERS PET, A BROWN NOSE-ER, A ROCKER, A NERD, A SCREW UP, A FAKER, A JOCK, A DRUGGIE, A WIERDO, A STUCK UP, A RICHIE, A PRUDE. ARE YOU A SECRET TELLER OR A SECRET KEEPER. WHEN I’M WITH YOU SHOULD I…JOKE, LAUGH, SMILE OR IGNORE YOU ALL TOGETHER. ARE YOU A SOMEBODY OR A NOBODY. THIS ADOLESCENT INTERROGATION GOES ON AND ON UNTIL A CREDIBLE CASE IS BUILT FOR OR AGAINST YOU.

SINCE BECOMING A “GROWN UP” I NAIVELY THOUGHT THIS WOULD ALL BE IN THE PAST. BUT NOW IT’S EVEN MORE PROBING. IT’S CALLED, RESUME’S, CREDENTIALS, LETTERS OF RECOMMENDATION AND QUESTIONNAIRES. EVERYWHERE YOU GO INQUIRING MINDS STILL WANT TO KNOW.


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