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FUMBLING MY WAY…

I’M STANDING IN FRONT OF MY SEMI- NEW HIGH SCHOOL HAVING AN ARGUMENT/ CONVERSATION WITH SOME CHICK I DON’T EVEN KNOW.  I MEAN I “KNOW” HER (SHE’S IN MY P.E. CLASS) I JUST DON’T KNOW HER. IF YOU GET MY DRIFT. THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME WE HAVE HAD THIS CONVERSATION AND FROM THE LOOK ON HER FACE I DON’T THINK IT WILL BE OUR LAST. “WHY YOU STANDIN’ OVER HERE?” “I’M WAITING FOR MY BUS.” “WHAT BUS?” “THE #3 BUS”! “WHY? “WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHY…CUZ IT’S THE BUS THAT GOES TO WHERE I LIVE”. “YEAH BUT THAT BUS GOES TO THE PROJECTS.” “YEAH THAT’S WHERE I LIVE”!! “HARUMPH… WHATEVER”.   SHE LOOKS ME UP AND DOWN TAKING IN MY CUTE FUNKY LOOK. MY HAIR HAS SOME SORT OF FLIP (A NIGHT IN HARD ROLLERS) AND MY JEANS HAVE THE RIGHT CUT EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE “NO NAMES”.  SHE DOESN’T KNOW I HAD SAVED FOR 6 MONTHS AT MY AFTER SCHOOL JOB.  THAT I HAD SEARCHED HI AND LOW FOR JUST THE RIGHT KNOCK OFFS.  OR THAT I WAS AFRAID UNTIL RIGHT NOW THAT I WOULD BE FOUND OUT.  FAKE FAKE FAKE!

I KEEP MY EYES LEVEL TO HERS AND IN THEM IS NEITHER PLEADING NOR PISSED. HARUMPH SHE SAYS AGAIN OR AT LEAST THAT’S THE CLOSEST I CAN COME TO RELAYING THE SOUND. IT’S ACCOMPANIED BY A CLOSED MOUTH AND LIPS THAT CURL UP AND HANG OUT FOR AWHILE ON ONE SIDE OF THE FACE WHILE THE EYES ROLL TO THE BACK…CUZ WELL THEY ARE JUST PLAIN OLE TIRED OF LOOKING AT WHATEVER PITIFUL THING THEY ARE LOOKING AT.  NOW THE FIRST TIME I SAW THIS SEQUENCE OF MOVEMENTS I WAS IMPRESSED AND MESMERIZED. THEN I REALIZED THAT IT’S JUST THE NORM OF ALL PERPETUALLY PISSED INNER CITY TEENS. FINALLY SHE DECIDES I MUST NOT BE READY TO CHANGE MY STORY AND WITH THAT SHE LOPES OFF TO REJOIN HER GROUP.  THEY WELCOME HER BACK AND ALL TURN THEIR BACKS ON ME AS THEY HOLD CONFERENCE ON WHAT “I SAID, AND THEN WHAT SHE SAID”.

UGH.

THIS CONVERSATION IS NOT NEW IT’S LIKE HUNDREDS I’VE HAD PRIOR AND SINCE AND IT IS ALL BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE SPONSORS

“WHO THE HELL ARE YOU”??

WHICH TO A ADOLESCENT IS EVERYTHING!! ARE YOU A NARK, A SHARK A TEACHERS PET, A BROWN NOSE-ER, A ROCKER, A NERD, A SCREW UP, A FAKER, A JOCK, A DRUGGIE, A WIERDO, A STUCK UP, A RICHIE, A PRUDE. ARE YOU A SECRET TELLER OR A SECRET KEEPER. WHEN I’M WITH YOU SHOULD I…JOKE, LAUGH, SMILE OR IGNORE YOU ALL TOGETHER.  ARE YOU A SOMEBODY OR A NOBODY. THIS ADOLESCENT INTERROGATION GOES ON AND ON UNTIL A CREDIBLE CASE IS BUILT FOR OR AGAINST YOU.

SINCE BECOMING A “GROWN UP” I NAIVELY THOUGHT THIS WOULD ALL BE IN THE PAST.  BUT NOW IT’S EVEN MORE PROBING.  IT’S CALLED, RESUME’S, CREDENTIALS, LETTERS OF RECOMMENDATION AND QUESTIONNAIRES.  EVERYWHERE YOU GO INQUIRING MINDS STILL WANT TO KNOW.

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!!!???

TO BE FAIR, WANTING TO KNOW CAN BE AN ISSUE OF SAFETY.   LIFE IS A GAGGLE OF PEOPLE AND EXPERIENCES SOME GOOD AND OTHERS DREADFULLY NOT.   EVERYONE NEEDS A LITTLE PREDICTABILITY EVERY NOW AND AGAIN.  WE NEED TO KNOW WHO THE SANE ONES ARE.  THE HONEST ONES, THE LAZE ABOUTS AND THE HARD WORKERS.

I GET IT.

BUT AT THIS MOMENT I AM IN THE MIDST OF A SEISMIC SHIFT.  AND IT HAS LEFT ME A BIT RATTLED AS I RESHAPE MYSELF, YET AGAIN.  RIGHT NOW I AM NOT PREDICTABLE.  WHAT I HAVE BEEN, IS SLOWLY MORPHING INTO WHAT I AM NOW AND THEY NEED TO SHAKE HANDS AND MAKE FRIENDS.

WE LIVE IN A WORLD OF THE HYPHENATE DOCTOR/LANDSCAPE ARTIST, LAWYER/PASTRY CHEF, BUSINESS OWNER/PHILANTHROPIST.  EVERY TIME THAT WE INTRODUCE OURSELVES WE ARE FACED WITH THE CHALLENGE TO ACCURATELY DESCRIBE JUST WHO WE ARE.  BUT IN OUR STRUGGLE TO SOUND CREDIBLE WE STRAIN AT THE REIGNS OF CHOOSING SIDES.  I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE AN ACTRESS?  I AM.  BUT I AM ALSO…  BECAUSE OF THE DISCOMFORT, LATELY I HAVE BEEN TAKING REFUGE IN MY “MOMMY-HOOD, AND WIFEY-NESS” TO GET A BREAK FROM THE UNNERVING NATURE OF A REINVENTION, WHICH IS UPHEAVAL.   BUT BEING A MOMMY AND WIFEY ARE MUCH MORE SIMPLE.  MOMMY’S PICK UP KIDS, DOLE OUT LOVE AND SNACKS.  WIVES MAKE DINNER, DOLE OUT LOVE AND SNACKS AND TRY NOT TO BITCH TOO MUCH.  BUT ALL THE OTHER PARTS OF ME ARE NOT SO COMPLIANT RIGHT NOW.

WHO WE ARE …WHO WE REALLY ARE IS A CHANGING SPOT ON A EVER SPINNING PLANET OF POSSIBILITY.  I DESIRE FOR THE CORE OF ME TO REMAIN CONSTANT.  THE CENTER OF MY  “I AM” TO BE A BEACON OF STABILITY.  “I AM” KIND, CREATIVE, SPIRITED, LOVING, INQUISITIVE, HOPEFUL, TRUTHFUL, THANKFUL.  WHILE THE OTHER PART OF MY “I AM” REMAINS FLUID OPEN TO THE SPONTANEITY OF A LIFE LIVED WITH PASSION AND A DESIRE TO GROW.  THIS ” I AM” IS AN ACTRESS, WRITER, TEACHER, LIFE COACH, STYLE MAVEN.

I PRAY THAT THE TASTE WHEN IT TOUCHES YOUR LIPS IS SAVORY AND SWEET…CUZ I AM THAT.

I HEARD SOMEWHERE…(MARIANNE WILLIAMSON)  WHEN YOU LIVE YOUR TRUTH IT GIVES OTHERS PERMISSION TO DO THE SAME.   SO THE NEXT TIME SOMEONE LOOKS SLIGHTLY CONFUSED AS YOU RATTLE OFF YOUR SPARKLING PEDIGREE…JUST SIMPLY STATE.  “I’M A HYBRID A VAST IMPROVEMENT ON LAST YEARS MODEL.”

WATCH THEIR FACES LIGHT UP.

BE YOUR BEAUTIFUL SELF.   COMMA’S, DASHES AND ALL!

I KNOW “I AM”

KISSES



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