Last year my Mom passed away days before Christmas after a year long battle with cancer.
At the time I buried our challenging tumultuous history and just hung out in the present.
I traveled back and forth to Atlanta no less than 5 times in the midst of Covid to be by her side. I sat and listened and fed her and changed her diaper when the time came. Long nights early mornings to be there with her.
I helped sort through her house full of belongings. Hauling packing moving her out of her home into a room in my Brothers house her life in one room.
This week as I scrolled through my pics on my phone I was stunned. Marveling at how dense it all was. Kids, husband, covid, zoom school, BLM, moving twice her and us, work,writing, life.
My therapist (yes I just started therapy! Yay) She asked how did caring for her make me feel? And all I could think was it made me feel happy. Happy that I could. Happy she was being sweet. Happy to spend time with my amazing siblings. Happy to hear stories from her childhood and mine. Happy to have a loving, kind even toned Mom for a whole year.
But now that she's gone the enormity of the trauma the years of abandonment and hurt and abuse come to surface. All the levels of deep pain sadness and confusion come to hang out and pick at the peace.
This week I've had the least amounts of answers and an overflow of sadness that sits even as I decorate and Christmas and shop it's there.
But as uncomfortable as it is I know that this unwinding this not knowing must happen in order to build again.
Though it is difficult it is necessary and I am thankful to have made it thus far in my life. To be the woman the mom and wife I am and I am up to the task and so I cry and then get up and wrap presents.
Today I encourage all of us who do hard difficult things. We are mighty.
Sending out such love to your heart from mine!