It was 11pm and I was trying my best to rest after a 6 hour combo cancer/ reconstruction surgery but I wasn’t feeling good at all. Which was kinda “yeah” but given the large IV sticking out of my arm was also kinda WT!?! I had told them I wasn’t feeling well. I had told them I was in a CRAZY AMOUNT of pain and well I had shown them the top of my swollen almost to the size of a small watermelon breast. Meh…
Well It’s been one whole year to the day, that I was being wheeled into that emergency surgery (burst blood vessel) Yikes. And I remember laying on my back trying to calm my breathing as I sailed down the hall on the gurney watching the blurry ceiling tiles fly by and thinking… I sure miss my Ali, I sure miss my babies, I sure wish I could wear my contacts so I could see the ceiling tiles better.
But seriously I remember knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that this thing this whole being on this earth thing …it’s all about Love.
The love you give,
the love you get,
the love you are.
I’ve spent quit some time with myself this past year healing, reflecting, talking, reading and learning. I haven’t posted a lot because I’ve instead been thinking and living. And I have to say I’ve learned a couple of things that I hope to never unlearn.
The main thing is in regards to the people you love, the ideas you support, the causes you champion…too much is probably just right.
In this moment I’m not talking about kids. As a Mommy I realize I spend and an inordinate amount of time on my little beloveds. Caring for them listening to them worrying about them, praising them, disciplining them, volunteering in their names. Well you get the picture.
Grown people and our relationships can get sorta, kinda lost in the sauce. Making way for us to rely too heavily on Social Media to foster our ties and create bonds. To me social media is like a wonderful yearly Christmas card…you get to SEE people… but you don’t really get to KNOW them unless you have real life interaction. Johnny got a new job, Sara went on a vacation, the kids are growing taller. I can see all of that in pictures..but how does the new job, vacation, growing kids feel? How are we coping how are we thriving, how are we barely treading water. The real marrow of the matter all of the mushy gushy stuff is missed underneath the posed smiling faces.
So in honor of these last 12 months I wanted to share a bit of what I hope to never unlearn.
Firstly, in relationships always use the “Extra Care Maintenance Schedule”
And the second bit “A- game only please.”
Like maintenance on a car any friendship, or for that matter any relationship over 5 years old should qualify for something more. Only the top grade “love and attention” will do in order to keep it on the road humming along happily. Everyone can do a good job in the beginning of any relationship but talk to me after year 5, and I’m all ears.
Here’s what I think the policy should include.
ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS– Unexpected…cards, flowers, notes, letters, cuddles, kisses, romantic overtures (not sex related) are A M A Z I N G. Doors being opened, checking in being done. Regular awesome, ok really great, ok SEX happening REGULARLY… We are in Nirvana.
FRIENDSHIPS– Calls, texts, notes, check in’s,(NOT ON FB or INSTAGRAM or TWITTER) like on a REAL phone talking!!! OR in PERSON! GASP!! Time spent chatting about deep shit, time spent chatting about nothing, time spent together throwing back shots! Whooohooo!!
YOURSELF– Taking care of your wants and needs (time to spend with friends, time to do your nails, time to see a frickin movie (not animated) Taking care of your Body!! Yes I’m talking Exercise I’m talking nutrition, I’m talking scrubs, oils, ointments, rubs. Taking care of your Soul. I’m talking meditation, prayer, sitting and just b e i n g still, making lists about your goals, writing and thinking about who you are and who you want to become. Taking the time to heal past hurts, counseling, classes, books, writing. MAKE IT HAPPEN!
To all those who say they just can’t make the time to foster relationships including with themselves. I can only say, lonely times are ahead. The kids grow up and go away and so do the jobs, but the friendships, the love relationships, the peace of mind remain.
I knew in a deeper way last year that this life will be over eventually.
But I also realized anew that it was not over yet! I was alive and I was gonna dig deep and stir up the courage to give the rest of my life my A game.
My A Game in All Areas
FRIENDSHIP- I unfriended and let go of anyone that didn’t make me feel good when I thought of them. Those are frienemies. Anyone who didn’t reach out to make sure I was ok I changed their status in my mind. They saw me smiling on social media and decided I must be fine. For acquaintances that’s the way it’s supposed to go. They are supposed to post a “feel better and praying for you” and that’s the end. For people who have my phone number and know where I lived Uh No! I let go in my heart anyone who weighed me down and didn’t lift me up (mothers included) . I also spoke candidly to anyone who I saw falling down on the job in order to give them a chance to rise. No one is perfect and not everyone is gonna be your tribe. But your people are out there! Find them and Rock Hard.
CAREER/DESTINY WORK- Be YOU BODLY!! Say No to every opportunity to be scared of your main goal. Now understand that you must DO EVERYTHING to support your family. Work at McDonalds, drive for LYFT, hustle paintings, makeup, bras whatever it takes. But never loose sight of the REAL goal. I’ve dedicated myself to 30 good minutes on it daily. To the thought of it to the doing of it to the feeling of it every day! Then Hustle ON!
RELATIONSHIPS (romantic)- Write out what you need, write out what you want, write out what you are getting now and how it compares to your needs and wants. Share it. Give it a minute, but if after a minute there is no change. LEAVE.
CAUSES- Champion them, get involved, get your hands dirty, show UP!
This life is all about Love.
The love you give
The love you receive
The love you are
and with the state of the world right now
Too much is probably just right!