So I’m out with my son on a Date. Yep just me and him and it’s Awesome. It’s slower it’s silly, it’s funny, it’s races, it’s secrets it’s us…
And he has so much to tell me and ask me and just things to chat about. There is no sister or Daddy to interrupt and just time to express himself and be understood. And that part feels so unhurried and so present and I feel my ears prick up a little more to really hear just what he has to say…today…to me.
First question ” Is the tar for real”? We are at The LaBrea Tar pits on our way to the museum and we are looking at this oily, slicky, sticky, stinky…pond. Yes it’s real. I ask him to use his “spidey” senses to smell the stinky tar and I go on to sound kinda scientific mommy style to explain the “realness of tar”. How it’s used for buildings and for roads and I point here and there being quit animated I might add. He totally goes along and I feel so good about my mommy knowledge. I always breathe a sigh of relief when I actually “know” something…I am failing at my daughters math right now…no show off points for me there.
We walk along the road and he starts to tell me about his best friend and how he’s missing him and it’s making him kinda blue. It kinda breaks my heart a bit to hear who it “still” is. They no longer go to the same school and the mom has been uncooperative
with playdates. Therefore they haven’t seen one another for months. Ugh. Should I reach out to her again? Sigh …she will probably put me off again. It doesn’t make sense I mean the Mom and I seemed to really get on. Oh well. Adults…go figure.
Looking down at his little earnest face I wish he had a phone and a car…just briefly in this moment. Then they wouldn’t need grownups to facilitate. I try to steer his thoughts to friends that are accessible and near by. He nimbly gives me reasons as to why they don’t own the top spot. I point out a particular kid who I know my son gets on with. Well and he hesitates. What? “He’s sometimes nice.” Huh? “Well sometimes he wants me to play and then sometimes he doesn’t even speak”. “He says we are friends…but I don’t always see his being friends.” Wow! I love how he put that. It reminds me of the song “Where is the Love” I reassure him that I understand. Yep you should always “see” his being friends.” People are not perfect but you should always see them being your friend in the end. I go on to rattle off a couple other kids. One is too whiny …one too unforgiving…one too rough and well this special friend just gets him and he’s just right!
Aaahhh In that moment I feel weepy and strangely sad. The “life clouds” that had been covering my sun lately come back to obstruct my view once more. I hate those times in life when you aren’t just Happy! You know the easy going hard to get me down kinda Happy. Of course there are good things happening too but the weather report remains cloudy with a chance of rain. And you are two ill placed comments away from crying. Ick.
I don’t try to talk him out of his feelings they are his. I stroke his face. It’s ok to feel like this.
We sit on a bench and the sun touches our faces…Yum!
“Is there a bottom to the Sand pit” Yes yes there is. You can’t see it but the sand pit does not touch the core of the earth. The joke is surprisingly not over his head. He gets it just a little slower. Hehee “wouldn’t it be funny mommy if me and Naya dug a sand pit to the center of the earth while you weren’t looking”. “You called for us to get ready to go and we weren’t there.” Hmmm Mommy perspective not funny at AT ALL kid perspective…adventurous and hilarious. I give him both scenarios and we share a laugh.
He puts his hand in mine and he smiles up at me. “You are the best Mommy Ever” I am so happy with you being my Mommy” You are my friend and my Mommy”
But the revelry is short lived. “Let’s Race” He is quicker to his feet then me. But no matter I am still on his heels…racing along the path legs flying. “Letting him win ” is becoming more real then a fake out. Ha I pull ahead but my footwear makes me pause…. he wins victory dance included. I dance also…this kind of losing deserves it’s own reward.
And just like that the storm clouds lift. I feel lighter than I have in months.
I am in love.
I am in love with this moment and this kid and my life. I am in love with my breath and my legs and the sun on my face. I am in love with my daughter and her hugs and her yummy smile. I am in Love with that man and his chest and his strength and his passion. I am in love with my house and it’s flowers and it’s smells and it’s pictures. And as the Love fills me like a balloon I feel myself E X P A N D and I burst and this Love spills out all over everything..
And suddenly I am ever so surprisingly in Love with the missing pieces the jagged edges the not so great fits. I’m even in Love with the bills and the debt and the career lull. I’m in love with the miss understandings and the can’t quit get it rights. I’m in love with the day to day and the humdrum and the dinner time… In this moment I am more of Me than ever…
I understand that the triumph of living this life is Loving the journey
bills are paid
understanding is reached
Debt is Gone
Career is on MAX
I understand how not quit getting what you want when you want it creates new spaces in us. It makes us push harder try new things… you know be innovative. It makes us write our own stories when you can’t find the right book. Create a TV show when you feel underrepresented. It makes you start a club or a movement or a School or a Site. It makes us get up and move. Move to a new Job or Country or Home. It makes us move forward in this journey. And if you let it Life will make you better not bitter. You will find that you are more clear more open more You.
You will find that the debt doesn’t drown you and the Success doesn’t soil you.
You will know that there is a bottom to the sand pit.
That the Debt will eventually be gone.
And that this Moment the one you are having right now is…
all that there is!