The music is playing and I am spinning around the room. Swirling and twirling dipping and diving trying not to step on the dog and topple my orchids and burn the dinner. I stir a pot and come back to pirouette. It's Marvin talkin' bout how "He wants me to want him "...D'Angelo proclaiming "I'm his Lady" and Marc Dorsey letting us all know that "People Make the world go round" I am a delirious swirl of nostalgia.
The hubby has crafted this moment he is the DJ literally playing our songs all day. For today is the day ..."first-ever he saw my face." Our anniversary of dating and my whole being is a melting pot of chocolate love. This is the day he knocked on my door and took me to coffee and our lives were forever changed. It's the reason I'm trying not to burn the dinner ...our babies our family.
We are digging through a box that holds so many unseen memories. CDs and DVDs with no titles to identify, overwritten with momentary needs and then forgotten. So we watch birthdays spliced with audition outtakes. We laugh and then cry and then we see it ...not just the only video of our wedding and yes it made me cry like seriously we have never seen this day in motion..hearing my beloved Grandmother's voice again... sigh... Hi, Grandma, I miss you so.
But what makes the tears fall in a rush is unexpectedly seeing my baby girl light up the screen. Video after lost video of her first months her first year. The wonder the pride the love the care. I find myself leaning into the screen trying to get a closer view of her face. Searching it looking for the signs I might have missed. The sign that said you're getting it wrong Mom and Dad, all these pink fuzzy bunny ears are just not for me. But what I see is just a happy baby...a happy toddler a happy child. I turn from the screen and my son is standing there also watching his baby self. What is he thinking, as he watches this gurgling, crawling walking self? He looks at me and we smile. "That was really me ...wow, I was so cute I was so loved."
And I knew in my heart that we hadn't missed anything, in fact, we have done pretty darn good and definitely the best we can. I know as parents, we have tried to live and love each moment. Seeing what was in front of us at each juncture and each time loving w h a t is.
I can't say that my heart doesn't ache for the baby girl that I saw in those moving pictures. That I still don't want to pick out dresses or talk about cute hair ideas. But what I know for sure is that as humans we are an ever-evolving landscape of change. We have to move from the picture and the promise to "the reality and the work. "
Some of us contemplate it deeply what it means to be us on any given day others don't even notice it all. Who they are who they are becoming. But it is always there... The US that we are... moving forward in space and time constantly changing sometimes for the better and other times well. Are you strong, are you consistent, are you kind, are you gay or straight or both or neither, are you hard-working, open-minded, loving, courageous, do you stand up for what you believe in? the list goes on and on...
Whatever you think you are.
Living this life will make you prove it.
Later as my son and I talked about that moment as I told him of the reasons behind my tears as he told me "that's okay Mom you can be sad I know you still love me, the now Me" and I leaned my head on his growing shoulders my whole soul swelled with pride cuz that smiling gurgling happy baby had turned into a smiling loving happy son and really what more could a Mommy and Daddy ask for.